This article was originally published by the Nonsense Newsletter team. You can find the original article here.
Dear Queer & A: I’m a cis person who loves and wants to fight for the trans people in my life, but it feels like there’s so many attacks I don’t know where to direct my energy to do the most good. How do I be the best trans ally I can be for this moment?
Dear reader, I won’t sugarcoat it, it’s bad out there.
You may be experiencing this: I like many of us am waking up, rolling over and immediately doomscrolling to discover the fresh horrors: we’re talking with friends and at some point the thousand-yard stares are unmasked, we’re pausing before figuring out how honest to be when someone asks the increasingly loaded question “how are you?”. We’re talking a lot about the US, with its bans and restrictions on things like public spaces or travel, the systemic anti-DEI push, deportations and general stoking of fear, but we’re also talking about on our own shores. While we’re currently a country that is making strides for trans rights and freedoms, we’re not past the point where something as simple as a Dutton win could have us experiencing similar attacks.
What I’ve also seen is trans and gender diverse people around the world standing up and fighting back in numbers and ways beyond any I’ve seen in my life before: digging our heels in and saying that it might be tough out there, but we’re tougher. I’ve also seen our allies showing up like never before, in person and online, demanding an equal and just world for their loved ones.
While there is a lot happening, there’s also so much more to be done, and what will be best for you to do is so dependent on your situations and circumstances. Do you have money or time to spare – or both? Do you have trans people close to you physically or emotionally, or are you wanting to fight for the trans people in your communities or workplaces?
Rather than telling you exactly what you should do (a rocky and generally unwanted territory for advice columnists unless the instruction is “dump him”), I want to give you a list of ways you can be an ally, and hopefully serve as a springboard for imagining how being the best trans ally right will look to you.
So here is a list of Things To Do:
Be an ally in public
This may feel obvious, or simple, but I can’t stress this enough: I want to hear your support of trans lives loudly, boldly, and regularly.
This can look like: sharing media or posts from trans loved ones or trans folk you know, or being visible and verbal in your own words about your support; it might be showing up to the party, but it’s definitely showing up to the protest; it can be trans flag stickers on your laptop or water bottle or car, or wearing clothing with slogans of support or art by trans artists; it can be adding pronouns and a message of support to your email signature, posting from your work social media in support of trans people, or raising money for a local trans group, org, or surgery fundraiser as part of a party, gathering, or work event.
It can also look like consuming and talking about media by trans people, however I want to be honest that allyship requires not just taking part in our cultural existence but advocating for our right to existence, freedom and joy. Reading the hot new trans novel is not an act of allyship, but writing to your local library or bookstore asking them to stock a wide range of books by trans authors, or donating money to a cultural org that helps support trans writers is.
Whatever allyship looks like for you, I want to see it. Be loud in your pride, and generous in your love so that the trans people in your world can see you, and the cis people around you can see what positive, beautiful allyship can look like.
Be an ally in private
You’ve gotten loud, now lets get to work. Visibility is so valuable, but much of the change we make as allies happens in these spaces: casual chats and meetings, pushing the envelope, and setting expectations and standards.
Have that difficult conversation with a family member and find out what’s required to get them on board with trans rights. Follow trans activists and educators, and get involved when they make calls to action. Push back on transphobia in your workplace or school or community, not by calling someone out but with consistent and clear advocacy. Look to and be led by the evidence that trans people are safest, happiest and healthiest when we’re not just able to be our affirmed selves but are loved and held by our communities. If you are in a position to help but aren’t sure where to begin, talk to the trans people around you about what they need, or reach out to a local organisation or group to seek guidance and advice.
This is often the difficult allyship, the stuff that takes work and planning and strategy, so don’t do it alone – find the allies around you and be a team: working together, celebrating your wins, and supporting one another when you face difficulties or setbacks.
Get trans literate
As we’ve seen a rise in trans media and public discourse it’s exciting that trans issues and lives have become part of common knowledge and ally literacy, but too often I see people excited to support the trans community without doing the work of understanding or in some cases respecting us. Fighting fascism side by side is even more difficult when I feel like you don’t take my experience seriously or aren’t putting in the effort to get something as basic as my pronouns right!
As trans people are increasingly made a political and social wedge issue, lies about our lives and existence are directly harmful, but also a key part of the broader attack on education and evidence. We need our allies literate and excited to inform others, but also to push back against those lies and cut them off at the root, and it starts with the basics: there’s no excuse to not use the language people desire and deserve, or to make assumptions about experiences, bodies, or lives.
If you haven’t read through it before, check out TransHub’s 101 section – I recommend going from there and reading through as much of the rest of the site as you can, and then onto a wide range of trans writers and advocates that resonate with you.
If in doubt, be honest and open: responding to someone’s question with “you know I’m actually not sure, I’m going to ask one of my trans friends and get an expert opinion on that” is much better than guessing, and helps to center trans people as experts of our lives.
Make it a habit
As we see increasing moments of transphobia, I’ve seen lots of allies jump up in response to a moment or a tragedy, and then disappear for a while until the next big moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad to have you there, but what would it look like to shape your allyship into being a regular and recurring part of your life?
Remember that this moment is not about trans people
It can sure feel like this mask-off authoritarian moment is about trans people – and to be clear, the attacks we’re facing are real and harmful – but we’re seeing all of this specific bigotry because we’re viewed as an easy target, not because we’re the only one.
Allyship can’t survive being single issue, and as you build your support and care of trans people, let it radiate outwards to other marginalised groups and people who are hurting right now, many of whom have experienced similar, targeted attacks since before trans people were known by that name.
To say this is not about trans people is not to say don’t fight for us, but that to fight for trans people is to fight for immigrants and First Nations people and Palestinians, to fight for workers rights and reproductive healthcare and welfare systems, to fight against ableism and misogyny, and to push back the wave of fascism at every opportunity, not just when it affects our friends.
Do something practical
As we approach the third observance of my favourite annual holiday ‘Mira Bellwether Buy a Trans Woman a Pizza Day‘, I want you to do something practical for the trans people in your lives.
Yes, buy a trans woman a pizza, but you could also just cook her dinner or drive her to an appointment. Help a trans guy move apartment, or a non-binary person wash their dishes if they’re having a bad pain day, or a genderqueer person build their new Ikea furniture that says 1 person required for assembly but honestly really needs two (c’mon Ikea get it together).
On the practical front, too, money is really helpful. If you have the means, there are countless surgery fundraisers, mutual aid orgs, local groups, and trans-lead-advocacy bodies that can turn even small donations into direct support and action.
The mental toll of the world is rough at the moment, and the basics can get a lot tougher when faced with each new day, so reach out and ask what you can do literally this week, today, or right now that will make life just a bit easier.
Be a barrier from harm
Early on in my trans life, there was someone in my social circle who was just being a bully about it. She was subtle, hostile in a way that flew under a lot of our friends radars, but got under my newly feeling skin so quickly. I remember her, not because she weighs on me to this day, but because of how another friend responded. Reaching out privately, they said they’d seen what was happening, and asked to intervene. I was hesitant at first, saying it wasn’t their fight, but their reply still sits with me: “It may be your fight but you don’t have to be the one doing battle”.
When you hear about struggles or difficulties the trans folk in your life are facing, ask about ways you can be a barrier for them. Show up to the appointment and correct any misuse of language, sit on hold to the bank that’s fucking up their personal info, or be the one to make the time to call in a friend who’s being shit about it. This fight for trans rights, justice, and existence is our fight, but I want to be arm in arm with you.
One specific and important way to help with this is to resist the urge to share the latest news about the horrors with the trans people in your life. Sharing stuff with other cis people and online is valuable, but the trans people in your life know what’s going on and are likely managing their information intake carefully. If we want to talk about the horrors, we can bring them up, but until then assume I’m up to speed and reach out with love or support instead.
Get covid cautious again
As attacks on trans healthcare, science, and vaccines all intensify and blend into one another, it’s a great time to be taking COVID-19 precautions seriously again.
There’s a lot of big words out there about the intersecting venn circles of trans experience and health disparities, but the short of it is: COVID-19 is still present in our communities and public spaces, it’s airborne, it causes long covid in at least 10% of infections, and the effects of long covid can be devastating for anyone, not least trans people already struggling to survive.
It’s not very popular to talk about covid caution, but sometimes allyship requires us to push our comfort zone a little, or do some work we’d rather not, such as wearing a mask in crowded spaces, staying home or away from people if you’re feeling sick, and doing COVID-19 testing if you’ve been at risk of exposure, even if you’re feeling symptom free. We’re fighting this fight because we want to live long, affirmed, healthy lives, and protecting each other from covid is a critical part of that.
Don’t minimise this moment
I understand the impulse. When someone you love tells you that things are bad in ways that you haven’t seen or can’t imagine being real, there’s a desire to say it’s probably not that bad, or that it will all be okay. Babe, it’s not good out there, and I need you to sit with me in that reality, and not minimise how it looks or how it feels. However,
Remember that we’re going to win
The fact that it’s bad right now doesn’t mean it always will be, in fact, we are going to win this. Trans people have always existed, and we will always exist – no laws or bans or frameworks or bigotry can erase us, and that gives me so much hope, but also a sense of purpose and responsibility: we may be in a dark moment, but there is a future where trans people are being born into a world that will hold and hear and support and love them unconditionally, and we can start building that future today, together.
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Before we move into the doing phase of this work, I want to reflect on your question of doing “the most good”, as this is something I have often sat with too. There is a strong impulse to try and game out the ideal version of our actions – a perfect input and output where the minimum labour produces the most profound positive effect on the world – and I get it, but you can’t start there. To plan the perfect revolution is to be planning the revolution forever, while the actual revolution has happened, imperfect and inexact but still so much better than where we started.
Start somewhere, anywhere, and let yourself gravitate to the work that you feel good at, able to do, and that makes a difference you can see. Be steadfast, take risks, but also take breaks, and make sure the work is embedded in a foundation of knowing and loving the people you’re fighting alongside. Then “the most good” will come.
I can’t wait to see you: fighting loudly and proudly, hearing tell of the work you’re putting in behind closed doors, receiving your hugs, feeling seen by your understanding of me and my siblings, sharing a pizza together, and wearing our masks while we dance away the night in a revelry of love and shared commitment to a better, more beautiful world. Now let’s get to work.
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Thanks for reading! Queer&A will be on a hiatus for the foreseeable future, but we hope to bring more questions and advice to your inbox in the future.
QueerandA is an advice column written by Liz Duck-Chong (she/they), who you can find at @lizduckchong on Instagram and BlueSky. Liz is a proud board director of the Trans Justice Project, whose work you can learn more about and support directly.
